This is my fight song

a reminder to just be here.

I’m sitting at my desk in the kitchen, and the sound of bird song is filtering in from outside with a gentle breeze. There’s a cat sitting watching me, ever hopeful I’ll move near the cupboard where the treats are.

The house is calm right now. One at school, one doing some homeschool work, one teen at home, and two not here. I’m re-figuring out a balance now that my ten-year-old is back out of school. Fitting in everyone’s needs, including my own, and trying to fit in everything that needs doing, but with ease and with time for me to just be.

This last year has been one of the hardest of my life, and there were times I wasn’t sure I’d make it through. There have been times before I thought I’d hit rock bottom, but this year saw me crash even further through the basement. Now I’m back on solid ground, albeit a little shaky, I’m trying to rebuild my foundations. With a difference. I’ve been sitting with a lot of feelings—some heavy, some tender, some that don’t quite have names yet. It’s been one of those seasons where everything feels a little softer around the edges, a little more fragile. I’ve found myself craving slowness, quiet, and comfort, even in the midst of busy days.

I’ve changed, I’ve grown, I’ve learned some hard lessons. I don’t ever want to feel how I’ve felt this last year. I’m listening to that voice inside me, that I’ve ignored for so very long, and making the changes she needs to thrive.

This weekend, I spent some time just pottering in my garden. It’s my happy place, peaceful and calm, a little wild and overgrown, a safe haven for me and some wildlife. My peony finally bloomed, and oh, how beautiful it is. A reminder that we can’t rush growth - everything happens in its own time.

I’ve been focusing hard on staying present, pulling my thoughts out of the past, where it is all too easy for me to get stuck, as well as quelling the panic I feel when I think about the future. I’m trying to figure out how to plan for the future, how to build a life I love, without fueling that anxiety when I think about day after day, week after week, month after month of having to do life.

This last year, everything I’d built crumbled as I focused on keeping my family going and simply surviving. So now I’m back to square one, trying to rebuild an income so that I can support all of us, so we can build a better life. Trying to remind myself I am worthy, that my voice deserves to be heard, that I can and should, stand up and be counted.

In the words of Rachel Platten, this is my fight song. A reminder to myself that I can do this, that I can rebuild, that I can find joy again, that I can create a life that nourishes me. I can, and I will.

Even on hard days I am still here, fighting.